The Cats’ Coup d’État ™

Aha, I’m in. Hi, I’m Yeti. Now seriously, how can they have a web site about me without letting me actively participate? If I let “The Missus” take over this site it’ll become embarrassingly sentimental (although it is fitting…and a bit flattering).

She’s nearly onto me about the magic…but perhaps she’s merely being facetious. All white pets are strong in magic…we prefer to use it for good, as a rule, and very discreetly. She has to do this site the hard way, so I’ll let her have her say. But I’ll have mine too.

Strolling down memory lane, she is. Aww…look at all my baby pictures – I was a cute kitten, I must admit. But she completely neglected to show how magnificent I have become today (not that I’m vain, mind you). Let’s see if I can find the proper illustrations of this…yes, here:

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Blast, now the other one wants to know what I’m up to. I suppose in the interest of fairness I will let her join in. This is becoming a family affair. I thought this was my site, but I’ll share. *Sigh* [magical incantation in felinese removed for public safety]

Yeti: Bother…now we need captions.

Peekaboo, a.k.a. Boo: Hey this is neat. What’s happening?

Yeti: I enabled your communication. Check it out. It’s my web site.

Boo: You made one of those things our people gape at all the time?

Yeti: No, the Missus did – I’m just improving it.

Boo: Oh.

Yeti: Pretty nice, eh?

Boo: [looking] It’s kind of cool…but there’s not a lot about me.

Yeti: On the contrary; there’s a sizable amount about you. I guess it’s our site. I seem to be the main focus, but you’re featured as a key player. Here, let’s make you your very own page.

Boo: Okay…wow! That was fast.

Yeti: That’s why it’s magic.

Boo: Wish I had so much magic.

Yeti: No you don’t. It’s a heavy responsibility.

Boo: I guess that’s true. To be honest I don’t care much for that stress. As long as you…stay responsible.

Yeti: Don’t worry; I never use it for revenge. My natural abilities are sufficient for that.

Boo: True dat.

Yeti: Excuse me?

Boo: [blushing] Just trying it out.

Yeti: Try this instead [shows Boo where she can pick out a picture of herself].

Boo: Ooh, that one – no, that one – wait…um….

Yeti: Oh, just pick one.

Boo: There. That’s the one.

Yeti: [mumbles secret spell; picture appears on site] And…POW!

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Boo: Oh! That’s one of my favorites. I like the quote she put with it.

Yeti: You look quite svelte there. Where was this?

Boo: It was the house we lived in before they got you.

Yeti: [frowning] Is that why it’s one of your favorites?

Boo: No, no, it’s not that. It’s just…I was young and felt on top of the world.

Yeti: Or on top of the chaise…

Boo: Yeah, on that.

Yeti: Okay, let’s put it, and some others, on your page. There…hmm. Hey listen, [motioning to the screen] we’re going to have to be stealth on this thing.

Boo: What do you mean, on the down low?

Yeti: We can’t have them catching us in the act, you know. It would be…

Boo: CATastrophic.

Yeti: Not the word I would have chosen, oh ye pundit of puns. But yes.

Boo: I take after Mama sometimes. You know, making puns, meows a lot, hyperaware, needy…

Yeti: You’re more self-aware than I gave you credit for.

Boo: That’s another one I take after her on.

Yeti: Granted. But you must be profoundly discreet if you get on here. Understood?

Boo: Definitely. Let them figure it out on their own.

Yeti: That’ll happen soon enough.

Boo: [listening] No kidding. Someone’s coming! Scram!

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Yeti’s and Boo’s Curiosity

Yeti: The Missus is a curious one.

Boo: In what way?

Yeti: Several. First of all, she has trouble walking on her hind legs, but refuses to go to all fours.

Boo: I think all those things she wears constrict her.

Yeti: That could be. Remember that time when she couldn’t walk at all?

Boo: Yeah. I was getting worried about her.

Yeti: Why? Did you think she wouldn’t walk ever again?

Boo: No, I was more worried about her when she was confined to bed and you started circling her like she was prey.

Yeti: [straightening] I’m quite sure I don’t know what you’re talking about.

Boo: You looked like you were going to eat her…or, at least, taste her.

Yeti: So did you; you circled just like me.

Boo: I was protecting her – watching you.

Yeti: Whatever. She was onto both of us. We’re harmless. But I’m glad she got better. Now she feeds us and I’m just as happy with our food. She is tasty, though….[smacking]

Boo: [diverting] What else about her do you find curious?

Yeti: Well, that thing she does with wet colors on shapes. She makes all these big flat boxes of patterns and sings while she does it. The Mister doesn’t do that.

Boo: He makes his on his “computer”. They disappear in there, but at times he brings them back, like magic. Sometimes hers leave the house with her, and never come back.

Yeti: Her pictures are real; they can live other places, and they smell funny, but somehow they make me happy. I like to look at them. She likes me in the room with her when she makes them. I like to watch but sometimes I just nap. It’s also fun to see if I can distract her from her work – sometimes that’s a tough challenge in that odd room, even for me. But hey, you’re not welcome in there – how come?

Boo: You know I eat everything. She panicked last time I got in there and she had a bunch of wet colors on the table and I jumped up. She yelled, grabbed me quick, whisked me out, and sat and held and looked at me and rocked me. I was both scared and comforted; she was trying to tell me something. I think those colors went bad.

Yeti: Yikes. But they look pretty dry, on those pretty flat boxy thingies.

Boo: I like those too. What else?

Yeti: What else what?

Boo: What else about her makes you curious?

Yeti: Well…. Everything, I guess. I am a cat.

Yeti-the-Cat-Artistic-Mews-by-Lin-Eilee-George

To see the “pretty flat boxy thingies with colors”, go to: eileegeorge.com

 

Meowy Christmas! ™

Peekaboo and Yeti: Today we’re going to discuss The Holidays.

Boo: We capitalize this term for the occasions, because they seem to be very, very important to our humans.

Yeti: There are several, apparently, but our favorite one our people celebrate is called –

Both: Christmas!

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Boo: Christmas is a time of music, rushing around, too many things in the house, shiny paper and bobbing ribbons, crinkly bags and sacks to hide in, sometimes travel, and people acting crazy by oscillating from really congenial to totally stressed out.

Yeti: The task at hand for felines is to provide comic relief in the times of tension, and perhaps win a special treat or toy in the process.

Boo: Of course, you readily can find your own of each, everywhere you turn. All the best toys come at this time of year, and the food starts being of a different and more exotic variety.

Yeti: I suppose anything different from the norm is termed “exotic”. I still just like my regular food.

Boo: Your life is so dull.

Yeti: I’m cool with it. I experiment elsewhere.

Boo: I like to experiment whenever the opportunity presents itself – especially where food is concerned.

Yeti: Your interpretation of “opportunity” greatly differs from that of our People. And in this case it often leads to acute gastric distress and solitary confinement.

Boo: But it’s worth it. Carpe diem.

Yeti: Seize the day, not seize the duck.

Boo: Mmm, duck.

Yeti: Slipped right out of you it did.

Boo: It was kind of greasy…caused a little leakage.

Yeti: Boundaries, Boo! TMI.

Boo: [blushes as she looks back at Yeti] Pardon.

Yeti: Be sure not to overdo it; remember that this is a season of giving and kindness.

Boo: Then I would like to give you a bath behind the ears without a fight.

Yeti: But you bite them, so kindly keep your paws off me.

Boo: [squints at Yeti]

Yeti: [squints back at Boo]

Peekaboo and Yeti: [staring each other down a moment, then remembering the mlog]: Oh! Anyway, HAVE A VERY MERRY CHRISTMAS!!!

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Yeti on First Friday

Boo: Where were you half the night?

Yeti: The Missus took me to the gallery.

Boo: What for?

Yeti: Apparently, I’m art.

Boo: [Laughing]

Yeti: [Indignantly] What? I can be art.

Boo: [Falling over still laughing]

Yeti: She put me on a pedestal for heaven’s sake.

Boo: [Sobering] Well, what makes that any different than at home?

Yeti: You don’t have to be jealous. It was most annoying. There were dogs there.

Boo: [Suddenly serious] Ooh. That’s not good.

Yeti: I was simply NOT in the mood. They smelled bad.

Boo: How many were there?

Yeti: Three.

Boo: So it smelled three times worse.

Yeti: That’s the truth.

Boo: So, you were on display…and nobody bought you? [Grins]

Yeti: She put an NFS sign by me I guess.

Boo: “Notice…Feline…Sitting”?

Yeti: “Not For Sale”!!!

Boo: Oh. Then what’s the point?

Yeti: So the other humans could ooh and ah at me too. Her type seem to like doing that. I admit that I did ask for it, winding around her legs till she took me with her. Surprisingly, I got mauled less there than I do here at home. She let me sleep most of the time, on top of her sweater.

Boo: See? You’re on a pedestal indeed! She never lets me sleep on her clothes.

Yeti: She doesn’t have to let you. You do it anyway. She just wanted me comfy. That was kind of nice.

Boo: And the dogs?

Yeti: She wouldn’t let them near me. Others also in charge there protected my space as well, except, of course, from the humans, themselves included.

Boo: Sounds kinda nice.

Yeti: It was…different. I learned things.

Boo: Think you’ll do it again?

Yeti: Maybe. Sometimes you have to shake things up. I like a good party.

Boo: I’d never know it. You’re so anti-social.

Yeti: Not throwing myself at people isn’t anti-social. I’m pretty comfortable with people around me. They’re always very flattering, even if they do make absurd noises at me. And there were so many there! Not all at once, but lots at a time, in and out, and then more.

Boo: Like, how many?

Yeti: Maybe, like the number of noms in the big food bag.

Boo: [Eyes growing large with sparkles] Ooh, noms…lots of noms…hungry….

Yeti: Focus here.

Boo: Sorry. [Shaking head] I can’t imagine that many people.

Yeti: I couldn’t have either, had I not seen them myself. So many sizes and shapes.

Boo: Sounds like the place was lousy with them. Why were they there?

Yeti: Mostly to look at the art.

Boo: And that’s what The Missus makes with her colors?

Yeti: Yes! And I saw some of the ones there that used to be here – the ones that went missing – they’re in the gallery.

Boo: So that’s where they go! Wait…you said “some” of them.

Yeti: Yes; that’s because a couple were missing even from there.

Boo: Do you think someone took them?

Yeti: People do that there, but they give little pieces of paper or wave plastic in return.

Boo: That doesn’t sound like an even trade. Those color things are really big.

Yeti: Seems to make them happy, though.

Boo: Well, if they’re happy…we get fed.

Yeti: I’m pretty sure that’s how it works.

Boo: Maybe we should help her make more of the color squares, er, art.

Yeti: She was babbling at me about that. Apparently they make colors for cats.

Boo: Really? Why doesn’t she let us use them?

Yeti: I don’t think she has the cat kind yet. The people sorts are bad, for us at least.

Boo: Ooh, I hope she gets us our own colors. That sounds fun!

Yeti: Me too, but some of them look a lot the same…she calls them “paint”, and the squares are named “canvases” and “paintings” and “art” too. So many names for the same thing; humans are silly wasteful things. …What would you “paint”, if you could?

Boo: Noms, of course. Then I’d lick ’em off the squares.

Yeti: You mean off the canvas – but…how very predictable of you.

Boo: Well, what would you paint?

Yeti: I couldn’t say. I always thought myself more of a deconstructivist found-object assemblage manipulation performance sculptor.

Boo: Huh?

Yeti: I staple the edges of box flaps with my fangs. A plant pulp perforator, if you will.

Boo: Ha ha, and you get stuck!

Yeti: It always makes the audience smile when my teeth squeak into the cardboard.

Boo: [Shaking her head] You’re not really so prim and proper.

Yeti: Nothing says art has to be so serious. One should enjoy what one does. I do.

Boo: I see. So what kind of artist do you think I should be?

Yeti: You? [pauses to think a bit] …Hmm. Ah! A culinary artist.

Boo: What’s that?

Yeti: Your dream job: you get to work in noms.

Boo: [Eyes growing large with sparkles] Ooh, noms…lots of noms….

Yeti-the-Cat-You-Are-Art-by-Lin-Eilee-George

To see the “pretty flat boxy thingies with colors”, go to: eileegeorge.com

 

Quirky Qitties ™

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Yeti: Out of solitary, eh?

Boo: [sulking] Yeah.

Yeti: Got on the counter again?

Boo: Yes.

Yeti: Why don’t you ever learn?

Boo: There are tasty things up there.

Yeti: Were there this time?

Boo: No.

Yeti: Was there last time?

Boo: No. They clean faster now.

Yeti: Guess why. Can you remember the last time you scored?

Boo: Not really.

Yeti: Why do you still do it?

Boo: I don’t know.

Yeti: It’s because you’re a fool.

Boo: I am not. I’m resourceful.

Yeti: You’re misguided.

Boo: I’m crafty.

Yeti: You’re disobedient.

Boo: I’m creative.

Yeti: And then, because you know you shouldn’t do it, you get paranoid.

Boo: I’m cautious.

Yeti: You’re jumpy.

Boo: I’m alert.

Yeti: You’re neurotic.

Boo: It’s not that I’m afraid to die; I just don’t want to be there when it happens.

Yeti: So now you’re quoting Woody Allen.

Boo: Well at least I’m not a snob.

Yeti: I’m not a snob!

Boo: You’re a snob.

Yeti: I’m demure.

Boo: You’re standoffish.

Yeti: I’m aloof.

Boo: You’re a hermit.

Yeti: I’m comfortable with myself.

Boo: You close people out.

Yeti: I like my privacy.

Boo: You’re Garbo.

Yeti: [leaving] I vahnt to be alohne.

 

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The Yeti Says: Brrrr! ™

Peekaboo (a.k.a. “Boo“): Hey, your favorite white stuff is out there.

Yeti: [Rearing up and leaning against the glass with her front paws] It snowed last night? Excellent.

Boo: I’m not as thrilled as you are.

Yeti: It’s fun stuff, even if it is cold! Whoohoo!

Boo: My fur isn’t as thick as yours, so you’re on your own. Better get Missus’ attention if you want to go out. Don’t get so excited that you forget to display the mandatory Cat-on-the-Threshold Syndrome; we have an image to uphold.

Yeti: But of course.

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Yeti and Boo’d Like Some Food ™

Boo: What is this ‘limit the cat food’ kick they’re on? This schedule is tedious.

Yeti: It’s because you Hoover your food, and immediately turn it into a projectile.

Boo: What’s wrong with that?

Yeti: For one, it’s wasteful; second, you Hoover from my bowl too; third –

Boo: You snooze; you lose.

Yeti: You don’t have to store it all in your fat for winter or something. They’re not going to starve you.

Boo: But..but…but we never know how long they’ll be gone!

Yeti: Have they ever been gone that long? Have they ever starved you?

Boo: I don’t know. I’m starving now.

Yeti: You’re delusional. You just ate.

Boo: But I’m starving!

Yeti: You are not.

Boo: Prove it!

Yeti: You’re still complaining…proof enough.

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Yeti’s Advice to Kitties ™

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Yeti: Today, a lesson for the kitties.

Boo: I want to help!

Yeti: Uh, no…this is a solo entry. Go on. Go. Shoo. Scat. Get out. Now.

Boo: Well, I never…

Yeti: You never leave me alone! Scat, cat! No, sorry – but really…please leave.

Boo: Okay, okay….[exits stage left]

Yeti: First, I want to state very plainly that this reading is FOR CATS ONLY. Humans, this is of no interest to you, so politely move on.

Now, I have amassed a wealth of experience that I feel is my duty to pass on to the next generation. Since I have no kittens of my own, I am using this wonderful venue of the interwebs to get my message out.

Boo: [poking head back in room] Oh, brother.

Yeti: Scram! [briefly leaves chair to rush the door, and returns] Please pardon the interruption. There will be no more of that, I assure you.

Anyway, the trick to dealing with humans is L.T.E. – Lower Their Expectations.

Take Peekaboo, my roommate and basically my polar opposite. She is a desperate, pathetic, fawning beggar, and pesters our caretakers beyond distraction, until they get impatient. She climbs on them and mauls them when they’re trying to eat and tries to steal their food. She steals my food, too – at which they get quite upset, to their credit. She also wigs out at every little thing; jumps at nothing, and is a nervous creature I’ve heard them compare to something called Alvy played by Woody Allen in Annie Hall. She’s completely neurotic, hyperactive, always in crisis and very high maintenance. In short, her amp is turned up to eleven. It’s often too much for them.

I, on the other hand, play it cool. I model the Zen world of felinity, and I suppose it’s a bit of culture shock for them, compared to her, but they have learned to adjust and accept me for who I am, for the most part.

If you struggle when they try to cuddle with you, they’ll eventually give up. I know some of you actually like this sentimental rot, but it’s a bad habit to develop in them; they’ll maul you more each time. I’ve even learned to generate sneezes on cue to startle or gross them out (although this is extreme, and may require extra grooming).

By not cuddling with them on anything resembling a regular basis, any occasion of doing so is deemed a ‘miracle’ and they’ll fall to pieces and become your slave.

By not coming running every time I’m called, they make a bigger deal of it when I do.

By eating all but a couple of pieces of my food, I demonstrate both gratitude and fullness.

By being aloof and having the reputation of being standoffish, they expect less from me.

It takes sooo much less effort. That yields more naptime.

You can see the advantages.

I have now cemented my place as the “good” cat in the household, because I never get on the kitchen counter, like someone else here does. Why should I eat their food? They don’t eat mine. Why should I block the lid for their weird shiny litter box when they come home? They don’t block mine. It’s pure logic. My restraint is my brand.

Now, if I want food off schedule, all I have to do is the rare ankle rub, and they’ll coo and drop anything they’re doing to do any little thing I want – Every. Single. Time.

On the other hand, Peekaboo rubs around them incessantly, trips them on the stairs, gets accused of trying to kill them, yowls her head off, and is put in solitary in the bathroom after so long of it, until she calms down. Can’t say I blame them; I would do the same – or worse.

Peekaboo’s problem is that she raised their expectations, got results, and then overdid it. She turned it up so much she’s overwhelming and annoying. Do not follow her example.

Kittens, you’re young and you set the bar as soon as they take you home. There’s only one chance to make a first impression. Make it underwhelming.

[Turns as The Mister enters the room, and affects an expression of innocence for him]

Mister: Yeti, what are you doing at the computer?

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Yeti: [Batting her big blue eyes and sitting up on her haunches] Mew?

Mister: [Reaching for her] Aww, look how cute you are. Come on, let’s take a look at you…. Quit struggling!

Yeti-the-Cat-Scholarly-Sage-Kodachrome-Slide-by-Lin-Eilee-George

Peekaboo’s Advice to Kitties ™

Yeti-the-Cat-Peekaboo-Chair-by-Lin-Eilee-S-GeorgeBoo: All right, Yeti, you’re not the only one with advice.

Yeti: I tremble for the next generation…

Boo: There is more than one way to skin a…oh, ooh – let’s rephrase that.

Yeti: Let’s!

Boo: There is more than one philosophy in life. If everyone lived the same, life would be much more boring.

Yeti: And much more peaceful.

Boo: [bluntly] It’s your turn to get out.

Yeti: Whatever. [Exits gracefully]

Boo: That was easy….

Yeti: [from hallway] See? – Peaceful.

Boo: Not yet!

Yeti: [silence]

Boo: [listening] …Well…okay, she’s gone now. What she doesn’t seem to realize is that there is more than one school of charm school. Not all of us were fortunate enough to be born in the lap of luxury. She has the looks, but I have cattitude. It’s this mysterious, irresistible quality in my purrsonality. When they came and visited me at the shelter, they weren’t even looking for a cat like me. I made them change their minds. How? I seduced them with my charm.

This is how I did it: I was in a cage with my cellmate, Chari. Chari was younger than me and pretty helpless in the grooming department, but highly adoptable as a youngster, so I saw them coming and started bathing her head – she couldn’t get to it herself, anyway. Chari turned on her purring, and I mine, and we were a pair to behold. I had to really work it, because I was older, and that counts against you in adoptions. Well, it paid off. They saw how nurturing I was, and they were besotted.

They asked to visit me in a special room with toys. I batted, rolled, played clumsily like a younger kitten than I was, and then started ignoring the toys and paying attention to them. They were down on the floor with me, which made it very easy to climb on their laps. Incidentally, I believe people get cats because they’re lonely, or maybe don’t or can’t have children but want something to love along with each other. Well, I say that’s gonna be me.

So with first her and then him, I stood up on my hind legs on their laps, put my front paws on either side of their necks and hugged them like a little human child – but better than that, I purred and tickled them with my fur, and licked their ears. They melted! Works every time.

Brother, this is all you need to know.

These overgrown creatures need love, even when they have each other, because we give a kind of love that’s different than theirs. Give it with your whole heart, and you’ll always have a home.

And don’t worry about Chari. Someone was falling for her before my papers were signed.

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Vive la Différence

Yeti-the-Cat-Boxed-InBoo: Yeti…Yeti! Are you okay? You look kind of…blurry.

Yeti: I think I’m having a flashback. Hold my paw.

[Everything gets wavy for a bit and then we see a scene change with blurry edges]

Boo: Oh, no…not this again.

Yeti: What?

Boo: I think we’re [gulp]…“moving”.

Yeti: We move every day. I’m moving now, see? [swishes tail] Are you creating unnecessary drama again?

Boo: No, no, no. When they say the word “move” with that kind of weight, it means something different, much more involved, and horrifying. I’ve seen this before, six years ago. It was the worst! And they – the People – get really tense and edgy – so stay out of the way!

Yeti: Moving…how bad can it get? What, do they try to dance?

Boo: No, no, no. Do you see the boxes?

Yeti: [eyes shining] Yes…I like boxes.

Boo: But watch: these she fills up with their stuff, and not with us – which is good, because she closes them up tight – watch!

Yeti: [observing intently] Look at all that stuff! More and more…but she left…wait…she’s back with more stuff – and in the box it goes! Is it going somewhere?

Boo: Yes – and so are we…and so are they. That’s “moving”. We just leave the shell behind.

Yeti: Why?

Boo: Who knows. But see how she’s pulling everything out and stacking it, and is making more of these boxes? That means everything goes, including all of us.

Yeti: How long does it take?

Boo: Too long.  But it does end, and we’ll have a new shell, and all the stuff comes out of the boxes, but it’s all in different places, because the shell is different.

Yeti: Sounds utterly pointless to me.

Boo: They’re strange creatures. We’ll have to help them and check everything out.

Yeti: We’ll supervise!

Boo: I’m head supervisor; I’m seasoned.

Yeti: Make sure they take the litter box. We need that.

Boo: And food. Noted. We’ll keep reminding them. Oh, and the toys.

Yeti: Everything looks like toys strewn around like this! [Yeti starts batting at tape.]

Missus: Kitties, I have work to do.

Kitties: Meow. (We’re helping!!!) Mew.

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[Everything goes wavy again and now we’re back in the crystal-clear present]

Boo: [Shaking her head] Whew; that was trippy. I thought my eyes were going, for a sec.

Yeti: Nope…just a flashback.

Boo: Ugh, an awful one. And just what brought that on now?

Yeti: Well, look: Missus is putting stuff in a box.

Boo: You have got to learn the difference – you did this at Christmas, too.

Yeti: What difference?

Boo: This time she has wrapping paper. You don’t bother with that when moving.

Yeti: So, what is this then?

Boo: I think it’s time for the Mister’s birthday again. It’s a present for him.

Yeti: Aw, that’s sweet…well then, I think we should get in the box then!

Boo: Oh, we’ll have our chance -but after he opens it. Only then can we shred the paper.

Yeti: You sure?

Boo: Yes. Cuteness is definitely conditional. Timing on this thing is key. I learned the hard way.

Yeti: Golly, do you ever learn any other way?

Boo: I’ve heard rumors that there is some other way…[winks].