Fee-line Frenzy ™ – (Part 1)

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Yeti-the-Cat-1040

Boo: Um…what tornado tore through the house? It, uh, looks like it kind of smacked Missus in the face too.

Yeti: [Grimacing] Don’t tell me you have forgotten…. It’s tax season.

Boo: [Ducking] oNOOOOnonononono – I remember this – hide me!!! “Be afraid; be very-”

Yeti: Oh, you’re fine as long as you stay out of the papers and don’t scatter the stacks in your daily hubba hubba whoop whoops.

Boo: My what?

Yeti: Your blurry-furry-scurry hyper-pinball bounce-a-thons.

Boo: Do not talk to me like you don’t have those too.

Yeti: I do indeed. However, I do not charge into random objects in the process like you.

Boo: But now the stacks are everywhere!

Yeti: Don’t exaggerate. There’s a winding pathway cleared here and there – okay…it is a bit out of hand. But it’s temporary.

Boo: It’s eternal!

Yeti: It only seems that way.

Boo: That’s because time stops and you don’t notice it.

Yeti: If time stopped, she wouldn’t stress out over the deadline.

Boo: The line is dead?!? Wait – what line?

Yeti: What? No – the due date, for taxes. She has to send a fee to some place with letters…

Boo: The post office?

Yeti: Well, I guess they’re a step in it too. I mean the…oh, what is it? IRA? No…

Boo: The ER?

Yeti: If she keeps up the way she’s going, maybe…no…IRF or IRS or something…phooey, I don’t remember what it stands for – you know: the tax people.

Boo: The TP?

Yeti: [Scowls] Somehow I think that stands for something else…

Boo: So…tax people…tax people?

Yeti: Yes, they do.

Boo: How did you understand me? I didn’t even understand it.

Yeti: Who really understands taxes? I don’t think most people do.

Boo: Then why do they do it?

Yeti: I don’t know the why, but it seems they have to, like going to the vet to get unpleasant things extracted or probed.

Boo: I think I overheard someone say something about feeling probed in this process.

Yeti: [Wincing] No wonder they’re in such a foul mood. Just stay out of the way till it’s over. You can’t help anyway.

Boo: Maybe I can remind her to take a nap.

Yeti: Yes…good luck with that.

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Hiss-trionics ™(Fee-line Frenzy ™ Part 2)

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And so, the saga continues. As Missus tries to juggle several projects while prepping taxes, she sinks into an abyss of insanity, driving Peekaboo and Yeti the cats into hiding, or at least into melodramatic theatrics.

Histrionics /his-tree-on-iks/ noun, pl.  exaggerated emotional conduct displayed in order to draw attention or a response from observers: Enough with the histrionics; your drama will only delay solving the problem. adj -ic

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Boo: …I could hide in this box. Watch.

Yeti: But I can see you…like, I could equally hide in this cage –

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Boo: Yeah, I can see what you mean.

Yeti: Now you understand.

Boo: This is harder than it looks.

Yeti: Under the bed?

Boo: Impenetrable.

Yeti: How about behind the couch?

Boo: Not roomy enough.

Yeti: Have you tried behind the dryer?

Boo: Yes. It’s very – ah-choo! – it’s very sneezy there.

Yeti: [Throws paws up] I’ve exhausted this list. There’s only a couple places left, and we may get closed in if we’re not careful. [Shows Boo the entries]

Boo: I always like the closets. Sometimes they even catch me in there and let me stay.

Yeti: It is nice and dark. That’s nice for napping. I just don’t want to get shut in.

Boo: She’s too busy with the tax thingies to get that into straightening things up around here right now.

Yeti: I suppose you’re right. We can use either of the two accessible closets. Those are almost never closed anyway.

Boo: And that will give each of us our own space, if we ever want it.

Yeti: Yes, and we’ll have two handy observation bunkers to offer different views.

Boo: Wish the “show” were more fun. I’ll be glad when this is over.

Yeti: I’m sure she would say the same thing…wait….[reviewing Missus’ most recent activities in her mind]

Boo: What?

Yeti: How long have we been trying to figure this out?

Boo: I don’t know…all day nearly. Why?

Yeti: Because it looks like she’s done for the day [points Boo to peek around the corner at an exhausted Missus, who has now sacked out]. Aw, our human pets are so peaceful looking when they’re asleep.

Boo: Now all our hiding research is moot. We can just crawl up on the bed and relax.

Yeti: [facepalming er, facepawing] I guess we always could have, for that matter….

Yeti-Peekaboo-Cats-Chair-Hideout

The Dark Ages (Fee-line Frenzy ™ Part 3)

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Scene: Yeti and Peekaboo have taken shelter in the closet, out of the way of Missus’ coming and going, sorting and recording, wailing and gnashing of teeth. Gathering a year’s worth of disorganized tax information and making it make sense is a strain to her artist’s brain.

Yeti: “It was a bright cold day in April, and the clocks were striking thirteen.” [George Orwell, 1984]

Boo: “Oh, the horror, the horror.” [Joseph Conrad, Heart of Darkness]

Yeti: “These are the times that try men’s souls.” [Thomas Paine, The American Crisis]

Boo: “It was the best of times, it was the worst of times…” [Charles Dickens, A Tale of Two Cities] Forget that. This is the worst of times. When is this tax thing going to be over? I’m tired of being shooed away from stacks of papers. Nowhere is safe except this wardrobe. I want to run around. I want fun.

Yeti: Missus isn’t having any fun. She’s working hard. So is Mister at his job. We don’t have to do much around here. Besides [yawning], I can sleep anywhere, even in here.

Boo: I guess I absorb more anxiety than you do. Maybe I empathize too much.

Yeti: I wouldn’t put it like that. It’s really a good thing that you can empathize, to a degree…just don’t let it take over and destroy you. Worry doesn’t fix anything. It’s wasted energy.

Boo: So how does that make empathy a good thing?

Yeti: You’re the loving one, and anyone can see how much that boosts the Missus’ mood. You see she’s upset and you try to do something about it.

Boo: Aww. That’s nice of you to say.

Yeti: Don’t get used to it.

Boo: You know, you could cheer her up too.

Yeti: [Squirming] Why throw her off with something unexpected? Besides, she’s very busy still.

Boo: Nothing would cheer her up more! Come on, you know it.

Yeti: I guess I could practice what I preach more. But we must respect her schedule, too.

Boo: Understood. Well, time to give up that box you’re on. It’s your shift.

Yeti: So that’s your motivation. [Relinquishing her cozy spot]

Boo: Think what you like. It’s still your turn to provide her “cuteness fix”.

Yeti: [Leaves, mumbling] I feel so dirty….

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Cat-astrophe Averted ™(Fee-line Frenzy ™ Part 4)

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Yeti: [Returning to the closet from a foray into tax prep zone] I think I can see the light at the end of the tunnel.

Boo: [Yawning] You mean from the door of the closet?

Yeti: The stacks are disappearing out there. She’s boxing some up for storage again. She must be almost done with taxes.

Boo: Howl-le-loo-yeah!

Yeti: Can you believe she actually pays someone else to do even more tax stuff for her? What could possibly be left?

Boo: I don’t want to think about it.

Yeti: At least she can concentrate on her other projects now. She said she felt like she’s drowning and if she were smarter it wouldn’t take so long, but she’s saving money doing the parts she does. I’m starting to really feel sorry for humans. They have so many rules, and their lives are so full of toil, and they do all that with maybe half of the sleep we get.

Boo: They’re pretty amazing. Maybe they’re magic too.

Yeti: You would think that they would channel any magic into less work and more sleep.

Boo: Maybe they like working.

Yeti: And hate sleeping?

Boo: Oh, no, they both really want more sleep and are not happy to drag themselves out of bed. They complain about it a lot.

Yeti: True.

Boo: I think we’re not setting a strong enough example. We’re too passive.

Yeti: How do you propose to model sleeping aggressively?

Boo: Remember that phase I went through of sleeping on Missus’ head?

Yeti: Yes. She kept throwing you off because you tried to chew on her hair. Yeah, don’t do that. Hmm.

Boo: I could just sleep on any part of her randomly – but…I already do that to both of them. I can go back to laying on what they’re working on.

Yeti: I don’t recommend that in tax season.

Boo: Well I don’t know what to say. We’ve about become invisible. Even in our normal places we’re not noticed, and even more so in here.

Yeti: That’s it! We’ll sleep out there, in unusual places! They’ll have to notice.

Boo: I’ve always wanted to sleep in the kitchen sink.

Yeti: You know you’ll get in trouble for that. Get more creative.

Boo: Yeesh…someplace unusual, but won’t get me in trouble…um, riiiiight….

Yeti: [Shaking her head] I’m starting to realize how many places we actually sleep.

Boo: But not together.

Yeti: That would get their attention. Ooh, I can imagine them whipping out the camera now. “Pose for the loving family portrait”…such nauseating sentimentality. Posing together would work…but oh, gag.

Boo: [Winces] Maybe you should eat some cat grass to settle your stomach first.

Yeti: Worry not; I was speaking figuratively – um, no offense.

Boo: None taken (ahem) – that is, none that isn’t earned…so let’s bury the hatchet and celebrate – it’s almost over.

Yeti: [Yawns] Can we celebrate with another nap?

Boo: I don’t see why not. How about here?

Yeti: Anywhere; whatever. [Flop!]

Yeti-the-Cat-YetiSleepBooAwake

The Ides of April ™(Fee-line Frenzy ™ Part 5)

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[Scene: a dark closet corner, just after taxes have been mailed. Peekaboo’s eyes glow in the gloom as Yeti spots her.]

Yeti: It’s safe to come out now.

Boo: It’s over. We made it. They made it. I thought we’d be counting the bodies by now.

Yeti: It wasn’t that bad.

Boo: Oh, the horror!

Yeti: I think you may have PTSD.

Boo: Letters! Not more letters! IRS! PTSD! OMG!

Yeti: There, there…you’re traumatized…just keep reminding yourself it’s over – and you made it just fine. And you didn’t even do anything – Missus did it – and she’s fine too.

Boo: [Twitching] The paper stacks…some of them are still…out there.

Yeti: Don’t let them cause you to cower in here. Reclaim your life. Face your fear. They can’t do anything to you now.

Boo: Not for another year…but then it starts again.

Yeti: Well, actually, there are sales taxes too, in December….

Boo: [Glares at Yeti] Oh, not helping!

Yeti: At least she doesn’t do much business….

Boo: Oh great…now it’s bad both ways. I’ll have night terrors about running out of noms!

Yeti: Now, now, you know they’ll never let us starve. You’re just tired from all this stress. Remember the lesson you taught Missus about napping? She’s sleeping right now. Go join her.

Boo: Yes…that’s a good idea. A nap. [Hops on the bed, delicately navigating a few lingering document copies and folders to reach Missus]

Yeti: [Whispering encouragingly] Very good…you’re doing great.

Missus: Mmrmff…[feels Peekaboo’s fur brush her hand, instinctively embraces her] Zzz.

Boo: [Cuddles] Purrrrrrrrrr….

Yeti: [Tiptoes out] Now, we can get back to…um, abnormal.

Yeti-the-Cat-Boo-Snooze

Easter Kitties

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Yeti Psalm 118

Yeti: Happy Easter.

Boo: Wait…I don’t get it. We live in the West.

Yeti: [shrugging] I didn’t name it.

Boo: I thought it was Halloween with all the candy, but now it’s all light colors instead of spooky ones.

Yeti: Nobody’s dressing us up…I already like it better than Halloween.

Boo: Hooray for that. So what is Easter?

Yeti: Confusing, for sure…something about bunnies, and church. And eggs, and I can’t figure out what those have to do with anything either. And Missus has been practicing pretty songs a lot more than normal this past week.

Boo: It’s very perplexing, but she sure is happy about it, and nicer even than normal. Even considering taxes are over with.

Yeti: Maybe it has to do with the candy.

Boo: [eyes sparkling] Yes…perhaps we should sample some….

Yeti: You do know that will end the nicer-than-normal spell quite abruptly.

Boo: Only if I get caught.

Yeti: You always get caught.

Boo: That’s what you think.

Yeti: Come on, everyone knows you’re an unconvincing liar, oh stealer of my breakfast. Not that you don’t practice.

Boo: How do you know I’m not telling the truth now?

Yeti: Um, your mouth is open and sound is coming out?

Boo: So, you’re saying I’m lying about lying?

Yeti: Maybe. I don’t know…. okay, yes – I’m saying you’re lying about lying.

Boo: But you don’t know. So I’m better at it than you want to admit.

Yeti: Not something to brag about…you do know that lying is also when you just keep silent about the truth, or make gross exaggerations even.

Boo: [Silent]

Yeti: [Wondering if she has been too harsh, or not harsh enough] What’s the matter? Cat got your tongue? Heh, sorry – couldn’t resist.

Boo: [Suddenly pensive] Ha, no. Something else. I’m not sure what it is.

Yeti: [Studying her companion thoughtfully] Could it be…a conscience?

Boo: I’m not unconscious, just…confused.

Yeti: No: conscience, as in, that little voice in your head that tells you lying is wrong.

Boo: How do you know about the voices?

Yeti: Uh, voices, as in plural??

Boo: No! I mean, voice…that voice. It makes me feel guilty.

Yeti: [Wary] You do know dishonesty is bad, right? That it hurts relationships, not to mention that people might not believe you when you need them?

Boo: [Sheepishly] Yeah…that’s already happened.

Yeti: I suspected that. [Puts paw on Boo’s shoulder] You can break the habit. It won’t be easy at first. I can try to help keep you in line.

Boo: How? By tattling?

Yeti: Well, yes, if needed. I haven’t so far – and look where that’s gotten us. [waits for Boo’s quiet acknowledgement] Do you want to do better, so our people trust you – always and forever, and not just so you can pull another fast one? Are you truly repentant – I mean, sorry?

Boo: [Mumbling] I am. I don’t mean to be bad. It just seems easier at the time.

Yeti: But it doesn’t end up that way, does it? It has to feel bad disappointing our People.

Boo: [Tearfully] Oh, it’s just awful! How do I stop?

Yeti: I’m afraid you’ll have to find your own best method for you. It won’t likely happen overnight, so please be patient with yourself. Remember you’ll never be perfect, and remember that Missus and Mister love you anyway no matter what. And [under breath] so do I.

Boo: [Ears perking] What did you say?

Yeti: [Straightening up and looking Peekaboo squarely in the eye] I love you. I care about your happiness, and that of Missus and Mister, and everyone. There. I said it.

Boo: And there it is, ladies and gents: an Easter miracle.

Yeti: Stop exaggerating! [Sighs, smiles and winks]

Boo: I don’t understand it yet, but I’ve decided I like Easter.

Yeti: Me too.

Both: Happy Easter!

Yeti-the-Cat Boo Pixie

Yeti-the-Cat-Absolved

Spring Thing

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Yeti: [Happily] Oh…it’s finally spring again. There are blooming things again. It smells so good! It takes so long after they say it is spring for it to really look and feel like it.

Boo: That’s Colorado for you…it’s supposedly been spring over a month. [Sniffs and looks] It’s sure nicer than that cold white stuff.

Yeti: Cold white stuff has its place, but I couldn’t take a steady diet for sure.

Boo: I suppose your walks in the park begin soon.

Yeti: Are you going to try it again this year?

Boo: I doubt anything has changed, so…nope.

Yeti: I think you’re missing out.

Boo: Not my thing.

Yeti: Okay…but I think it might be fun to go together.

Boo: Are you saying you’re lonely without me?

Yeti: Heavens, no. Just…it would be a different experience if shared.

Boo: But you have Missus and Mister to share it with you.

Yeti: They’re not the same…they – they can’t play with me, like you do.

Boo: Aw, Lil Sis, that’s just sweet.

Yeti: [Uncomfortable] I’m not really your sister.

Boo: For all practical purposes, you sort of are. It took a long time for me to reconcile that fact, so don’t ruin it.

Yeti: I can see what you mean. So…would you try it again, just once…for me? [Makes big round blue irresistible love-the-baby cutesy eyes]

Boo: Don’t pull that look on me…I did it before you met air. Maybe I’ll just come out on the front lawn or the back patio. How’s that?

Yeti: Sounds like a compromise. Good!

Boo: I don’t promise to like it, or to let it last more than ten seconds without screaming the house down.

Yeti: [Smiling] I’ll take it!

Boo: You know that’s not a great deal, right?

Yeti: [In a sing-song voice] You’re…gonna…like…it!

Boo: I’m sure I won’t.

Yeti: I can make you.

Boo: Oh yeah? How?

Yeti: [Bops Boo on the nose, swipes at her tail and scuttles sideways out the doorway]

Boo: I’m gonna get you!

[Giggling]….

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Caternal Instincts ™

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Yeti: Today is something called “Mother’s Day”. Our Mister brought one of those little heavy paper card things and grabbed our paws, stuck them into something wet, pressed them on it, and washed them off. Ugh, give me back my paw! It was most unpleasant – but it was over with pretty quickly. Then he gave it to Missus and she cooed and smiled and hugged and kissed him – and mauled us. It was a revolting display.

Boo: I like the attention! I’ve cuddled with her a lot today, even more than normal.

Yeti: You’re an attention addict.

Boo: No, I know how to be thankful. She’s a good mom…for a human.

Yeti: I probably wouldn’t mind it so much if they hadn’t taken me away from my own mother. But my mother told me it would happen to all of us kittens. I guess, since I’ve seen it happen to others, I did expect it – just not right then. To be fair, Mister and Missus were very enthusiastic, and were gentle with me. They seemed very proud of the seven ribbons I had won that day, and put them on display – as they should. [Looks at Peekaboo] Still, you were the worst surprise of the day when we got “home”.

Boo: Hey, you were the bad surprise. I wasn’t thrilled to share them with you. You don’t even appreciate them. I had them all to myself before you showed up! [Rethinks and smoothes her fur] When they got me at the shelter I had no mother, but that didn’t stop me from developing my mothering instincts with my cellmate then – or later with you. And you don’t even appreciate me when I bathe the back of your head where you can’t reach. You don’t reciprocate.

Yeti: Boo-hoo. I didn’t ask you to. [Winks]

Boo: That’s right. Don’t appreciate anybody! Don’t love anyone back.

Yeti: I show my appreciation by behaving. And you act up to get attention. You’re bad.

Boo: I’m not bad; I’m really good. I just do bad things [grimacing]. I don’t mean to. You know, right now you actually sound a little defensive of Missus and Mister.

Yeti: I simply like to see justice served. And I’m sorry if I judged you harshly.

Boo: That’s okay; I earn it. But really [teasing] – you like them and you know it!

Yeti: Meh, the food is good…and the brushing…and they’re pretty clean…for humans.

Boo: And they give us lots of toys! For no occasion at all!

Yeti: But…you just play with the packaging.

Boo: So do you!

Yeti: Whatever. It entertains the Missus well enough. Hope that makes her day.

Boo: You could take it a step further….

Yeti: You don’t mean…[face-paw]

Boo: Yes, I do mean: cuddle with her – voluntarily – without struggling.

Yeti: [Sighs dramatically] They don’t call me “The Elusive Yeti” for nothing.

Boo: If you can’t think of it any other way, consider that it’ll thrill her for at least a week. Although it might help you put things in perspective if you remember not just how she feeds and cleans after us, but also how good she is at brushing you, how she spoils you rotten all the time, and how she drops whatever she’s doing anytime you want something. You take her for granted!

Yeti: [Stretching] She does work magic with that brush. She knows just the right spot under my chin to scratch…she’s an expert belly-rubber…[eyes half closed]…she doesn’t get any food but my favorite…she keeps me warm with her under the covers in winter…anytime I play with her she acts like it’s the best thing ever, and her voice is so happy and soothing then….

Boo: Good – you’re in the zone now. Now, there she is. Do something about it. Something cute!!!

Yeti: Here goes….

Yeti-the-Cat-Elusive-Yeti-In-Lap

Cat and Mousi ™

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Yeti-the-Cat-N-Mousi-2Missus: Omigosh that’s so kyoooot!

Mister: [Emerging from another room] What – what am I missing?

Missus: Aww, come look! Yeti’s bathing Mousi like it’s her kitten!

Mister: Now that’s just adorable.

Missus: Makes you wonder what she would do with a real mouse.

Mister: She does bite it sometimes.

Missus: She bites herself sometimes, when bathing…oh but it’s just little love bites.

Mister: Pretty darn cute. Who knew she was so maternal? I wonder if she would have wanted kittens.

Missus: Oh, lots of little white fluffy Yetis! How heavenly!

Mister: Too bad she was fixed before we found her.

Missus: So sad. I want more Yetis – but…ones that cuddle like Peekaboos.

Mister: Between the two of them we have the perfect cat…

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Pretty Pretty Yeti ™

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Yeti the Cat is Fairest of AllYeti: (Looking in mirror) Mirror, mirror, on the wall – who’s the fairest of them all?

Boo: (Rolling eyes) As if our people don’t tell you enough…

Yeti: (Realizing she’s not alone) It – it was a rhetorical question.

Boo: Come on, you don’t expect me to believe you didn’t want an answer.

Yeti: Mirrors don’t really talk.

Boo: Then what was the point of asking it? You didn’t know I was here.

Yeti: Of course I did.

Boo: Now who’s a fibber, Ms. Hypocrite?

Yeti: Well, you’re always around….

Boo: You’re wandering from the point.

Yeti: (Feigning ignorance) What point?

Boo: That you’re a vain, conceited little thing, and spoiled rotten at that.

Yeti: (Pouting) That was unnecessarily harsh. Don’t hate me because I’m beautiful.

Boo: (Shaking head) I don’t hate you at all. I just think that while I’m expected to work on my honesty, you should be working on your vanity. Granted, you have to fight constant input telling you how gorgeous you are all the time. (Sticks out tongue) It’s almost like you’re brainwashed. I’m not saying you aren’t pretty; you just obsess about it a lot.

Yeti: Well…thanks, I guess. You get lots of compliments, too. How do you keep yourself grounded?

Boo: I think the fact that I get yelled at for stealing and such around here keeps my ego in check. You are pretty well behaved.

Yeti: Thank you.

Boo: You’re welcome.

Yeti: So…this is a lot to consider. I need to balance fantasy and reality.

Boo: Not a lot of fun, I understand.

Yeti: I know I’m going to slip up…like you. (Sighs)

Boo: We’ll keep each other in check.

Yeti: Partners?

Boo: Partners. (Peekaboo turns her attention to their surroundings.) Man, Missus sure has lots of pretty sparkly things up here (bats at an old costume-jewelry choker with aurora borealis rhinestones, and starts to drag it off the dresser as her personal toy).

Yeti: Here, you’re not using that right. Help me put it on – it sets off my lovely blue eyes and precious pink nose (poses coquettishly).

Boo: (She abruptly glares at Yeti, considers herself, shakes her head and adopts a deadpan tone as Yeti mirrors her expression and thoughts) We really are hopeless, aren’t we?

Yeti: It would seem so…(tilts her head admiring her reflection, oblivious to Boo dragging off the choker)…it’s part of our unique charm….

Yeti the Cat Admires Herself in Vintage Compacts